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In regards to the last entry :

I have had a major loss. shes my best friend. she has been for as long as i can remember. shes been through the good and the bad, shes never gone anywhere when i needed her at the worst times ( and the best). but shes changed from that wonderful person i once knew. to a point where its not normal. and i cant watch this happen; not to her. shes my fucking best friend. to watch her fall, crumble and eventually turn into nothing is probably one of the hardest things ill ever have to do. i basically need all the support i can get, because if not - im going down with her. i cant let her guilt me into that, i cant let her make me somehow feel somewhat responsible. although she does- without even trying. i feel like , yeah - shes been there for me my entire life, now its my turn. but all of the things i went through dont even add up to what i would have to sacrifice to be here for her. its not worth it for me, its not worth it for anything.
there are no words to describe the way i feel towards her. i honestly want to kill her sometimes, but i could never do that. i love her way to much. fuck, i seriously dont know what to do. the best thing is to do nothing at all, and she'll learn- hopefully.

Sunday, August 19

They had to stop Ron's plasmapherisis treatment early today due to his heart rate increasing. Ron is also experiencing leg pain. The last plasmapherisis is tomorrow - we pray they will get to complete this.

OK, exactly how bad is it to ... wonder/ wait for a couple to break up? No, I'm not talking about Casey and me. Just breezed through facebook book and saw 2 former co-workers still together, maybe hitting a year soon. I know, it's bad. Buthey,no one saw them hitting 3 months.

Yeah, it's wrong. I know I know. Iwouldn't want anyonesaying the same aboutus, but still.

Ok, I'm done being a bitch. Fun times.

the worst thing in the world is the feeling of loss. and lately, for the past week i've been feeling a lot of 'loss'. small losses, big losses - either way its still a loss. i'm teaching myself, just the right way how to deal with loss, whether big or small. a small loss (or many small losses) that i have been dealing with, come from my inside. not literally, my insides of course. but, the feelings inside. i remember when i had a boyfriend, the main feeling i felt inside was love; followed by a deep passion for everything around me. i enjoyed everything, happiness was the main theme in my life. and then, like everything else at the time, i lost him. i lost everything, or so it felt. and i realized the worst thing to do was to lay around and mope about how my life is unfair and cruel. i needed to get back on my feet. this all happened approximately 5 and 1/2 months ago, and im still recovering. although the relationship i had wasnt a long time (4 months the second time dating, 3 months the first time dating.. yeah i know, two times!) it was still long enough for me to become so emotionally attatched to everything i was experiencing with this boy. now, this boy has far moved on and is with another girl. which is like, screaming at me to either move on or at least move away from the thought that there is something left there.

i have since moved on, sort of. i still have reoccuring feelings of what i once felt. but now the only loss is what he lost. he lost me. but, he replaced me.
i havent had much of a big loss but im not complaining.

The most beautiful sound in the world is the piano, in my opinion. Each note leads to another, so softly, so smoothly, almost as if every note is one. Every note has a different story; everytime you strike a key it's a whole new world, a whole new sound. Maybe you've never thought of a piano to have a life of its own; or for each key to be significant in one way or another. The lower registers are the pain we feel throughout our life -- the higher keys are the enjoyed moments. I've never looked at a piano and realized what side has more keys, and if they do, in fact, have more keys. But i am going to take a guess that the higher side has more keys, if i was trying to relate it to my life, or anyones life. yeah, life sucks more often than not according to our minds, but hey, we wouldnt be able to tell the difference if it wasnt for the good things and people that occasionally walk in our life from time to time.

What do feelings look like?

Most feelings are internal, but the ones that are shown aren't half as painful as the invisables. Tears are a sign of not only sadness but happiness too, along with laughter its not only protrayed as being cheerful but can be a sign of being scared. Why do the people who are going through the most pain, put themselves through more because they keep it all to themselves? Wouldn't it do wonders if they could let it all out, and teach the world that its okay to be scared, but hiding from it wont do any good but make things all the more difficult. Wouldn't everyone just kill to be happy all the time, with no worries to push them down. Some people would say whats the point in always being happy, and not having any problems because life is about the mistakes and learning lessons and going through not only good things but also bad. If I had the choice though, I'd choose that I'd always be happy because nothing is worth more then being happy, and making the people around you happy. That right there is one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. Being happy. Feelings are everything in life, our emotions, or facial expressions, or hearts. No body can destory feelings, because if you like them or not feelings are with you when you wake up, go to sleep, in your dreams and when you die. Feelings are just one more part of life that we have to live with, if you can seem them or not, they will always be there no matter what.